Hawaiian Libertarian responded to the Superbowl commercial that relegates men to the garage. The one with the sad litany of masculine submission. Dave writes his own litany showing what “this commercial would be like if it were based on a Man who understands what HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD means”:
You need to start getting up and walking the dog at 6:30am…you’re starting to look a little hefty…you wouldn’t want to turn into one of those people of walmart cows?!
You will add some fruit to my breakfast that you are cooking…but DON’T overcook the eggs.
I will shave…I will clean the sink after I shave as well as that clump of your hair out of the bathroom drain…because as the MAN, I realize that the nasty, dirty jobs are MY job around here…and while I do all the things you simply cannot bear to do, like haul the garbage, kill the rodents and insects and yes, clean hair clogs out of drains, you should be cooking me some food or washing the dishes and not complaining about how you “Do Everything Around Here!” Because you don’t.
You can read the rest at his post. The HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD riff is a great idea, but between it and the execution falls the shadow. The shadow of a defensive, bitter beta. I can say that because his responses sound more like me (as I used to be), and less like Dave in Hawaii.
I once was a defensive, bitter beta, but I got better. I rewrote his litany in the style of HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD I’m trying to become. Originally posted in the comments to the article, my list is just amusing enough to repost here.
I will get up and walk the dog at 6:30am.
You should walk the dog in the morning. You don’t want to end up on People of Wal-Mart.
I will eat fruit as a part of my breakfast.
Don’t forget to give me fruit in the morning. I’ve been a little constipated. Remember how I like my eggs, too.
I will shave…I will clean the sink after I shave.
Hey, don’t worry about those shower-kitties you’ve been leaving. I’m collecting them so you can make a doll for the girl.
I will be at work by 8 am…I will sit through 2 hour meetings.
Woman, I’ve got one of those two-hour meetings today. You know what that means. Yes, the sheer thingy. NO, you will not be wearing panties. Are you new here?
I will say yes when you want me to say yes.
“Yes” is for women. Let’s practice: Take off your pants.
I will be quiet when you don’t want to hear me say no.
If you don’t want to hear me say “no”, take off your clothes, or make me a sandwich. Or both. Yeah, both.
I will take your call
Why are you calling me during the day? How do you know I’m not with my mistress? Bet you never thought about that. Is anybody hurt? No? You owe me some naked. Bye.
I will listen to your opinion of my friends.
I will repeat your opinion of my friends to them, and we will share a good laugh.
I will listen to your friends opinions of my friends.
I will flirt with your friends.
I will be civil to your mother.
I will ignore your mother and make friends with your father.
I will put the seat down
I will put the seat down until you’re not expecting it.
I will separate the recycling.
Recycling is immoral. Seriously, it’s economically inefficient. You care about the poor, don’t you?
I will carry your lip balm.
Lip balm. Does it tingle? Yeah, put that on.
I will watch your vampire TV shows with you.
I’m cancelling the cable. Buy me a Blue-ray of LOST already.
I will take my socks off before getting into bed.
Wench, your cooking made me gassy. You’re going to have to clean the sheets.
I will put my underwear in the basket.
I will put my underwear in the basket from across the room, in a perfect arc, pumping my fist and slapping your ass in triumph.
And because I do this, I will drive the car, I want to drive.
When we’re driving in my Malibu, it’s easy to get right next to you.